


The Child in the Snow

by Ainako



Category: Anime & Manga - Fandom, Gatekeepers
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-01-13
Updated: 2011-01-18
Packaged: 2017-10-14 17:23:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/151673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ainako/pseuds/Ainako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A girl waited in the snow, waiting patiently for someone that wouldn't come. She knew he is no more, but still she waits. She promised she'd wait. My rendition of Yukino Houjo's POV from Gatekeepers episode 12.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Maze

**Author's Note:**

> English is my second language thus my grammar is not something I took pride on. This project had never been beta-read, so consider yourself warned. Also, Yukino is one of those characters that never got any justice in character growth. Nothing was ever explained about her history, and all I have here is what I can figure out from the flashbacks that was shown in the anime. Previously uploaded on ff.net by the same title, with a few changes here and there.

_Loneliness._

She opened her eyes, and saw a white, long-bodied creature pressing its nose to her cheeks. Yes. She remembers again. Those bits and pieces of her past seem to haunt her every time she tried to sleep, even just merely closing her eyes. She had not been able to sleep at all ever since that day, that time. The truth is, she didn't want to sleep at all. So long he came home again. She sighed heavily - hopelessly – to the thoughts. She had known he won't be back. Yet she still waited, because she had promised to wait, until he came back.

She glanced to her reflection on the icy wall and saw herself sitting in front of it. So it changed its shape again, she thought to herself. She could swear she was sitting at the center of the vast cavern just a moment ago, yet the place seems to have a mind of its own, or rather, it is actually a maze of eternal spirals. After all the times she had been here, she couldn't tell which way to where. Sometimes she would find herself wandering in circles, never to sway from the previous place even though she had walked away from it. A maze with no way of escape, and she was destined to be lost here. She sighed heavily. How she would come to agree that even forever was not long enough.

Slowly, she touched the ice wall – not cold as it seems - and traced her own reflections. It was the same face even after all this times. She had never seems to grow up like she hoped to. To be woman he wished to be married with. But then, they say those who possessed the rings of light are cursed to their very existence, perhaps which is why she stayed in the same age no matter how time passed her. The white creature she had named Hisame didn't seem to change too. It must have been affected by her curse. She strokes its soft body as it made a sound as if to comfort her. It was not in her heart to tell him that it made no difference. Her sadness can't be erased. Never. She to suffer the sadness till the very end of time. Her own sin.

 _Was it my fault?_

 _Am I the one to be blame?_

Gently, she began to rise and tilted her head to the icy roof as a wave of nerve tickled her every senses. She had been very afraid of the sudden awareness before. How does she know? How can she ever be sure that something was about to happen? Yet somehow she had learned to embrace it. The fear that once had made her shivered till she soiled herself. Fear of death, now meaningless to her as of now. There beyond the ceiling, she saw just the same icy surfaces under her feet, yet she sensed them. Not far above.

"They are here again" she said, meant only to herself.

 _They_. The misshapen demons that once terrorized the land. No one know where they come from, only it thirst of blood. They wrecked havoc and commit violence. She thought they were long gone during her solitude in the cavern but some time ago, the same awareness woke her up. She was afraid to look but in the end, she gathered all her scraps of bravery and flew above the ceiling. The demons, they were mercilessly taking down a huge bird until it fell to the ground with its wings broken and torn. It was carrying people in its belly but they died along with the bird. She was too late to save them. She couldn't help them. She couldn't do anything. Yet now she would not be too late again.

 _Never!_

Despite her determinations, she hesitated. If she went out there, then the Iwatsumesou flowers would die. Her curse was to call upon the snow. She could never constrain the power even if she wanted to. It would be the worst if she hesitated. She would turn the whole valley to be blanketed in snow, killing the flowers.

 _No more. Not anymore… I will protect them!_

She flew. Yes, she _flew_. The desire to take off to the sky so she could run away from the painful reality was always her childish dreams. ' _Flying_ ' was the only thing she could do almost with no flaws. She didn't posses wings yet she flew. The feelings of flying overcome her senses. She knew no word to express it. Her body seems to be getting lighter by the heartbeat. Slowly, the coldness wraps her up till she can feel no more warmth from her skin, as if she was dying right there and then. She pictures the valley of Daisetsu in her mind. Her visions blurred to pure white…

…and she was standing on top of a small hill of hard ground. The warmth in the air tells her it was already summer. In the icy cave, she couldn't tell how time goes by. It had been years, which is all she could tell. It had been years since he went and left her alone. How many years, she lost count a long time ago. She was never good with counting beyond her fingers. Not that she was any interested with numbers and letters anyway.

Chasing the thoughts away she peered across her view. There were children –a pair of them- and they were running from the demons, though slightly different from the ones she faced before, it still emits the same evil force that made her stomach curls.

 _I'm afraid…_

The boy was leading them into a run for their life. Then suddenly, they paused and turned to face them. He brought his hand up, while she nocks two arrows on her bow. From afar, she gasped.

 _No! They can't fight them!_

They were just children, and the demons had no mercy to even children. The flowers were trampled down...

 _The Iwatsumesou flowers…_

Coldness sent shocks down to her spine was the sole sign of her curse are let loose. She couldn't control it not even by a hair. She would have burst with the overwhelming surge of iciness, yet she ignored the pain that seem to wring her heart as if it will pop out from her chest. She could feel no blood in her flesh; she could feel nothing but the pain. Her eyes ached to cry but no tears produced. She was torn; she wanted to protect the children, but to do so she would have to call upon the snow.

The flowers would die… the butterflies too… but how can I decide?

The coldness made her hateful - reminding her of her lost. She would sacrifice anything just to meet him again, but she owned nothing now. Nothing but the promises she made with him; to wait for his return. Oh how she would do anything to keep the promise. And she would wait, forever if needed be, until he returns. Until that, she would protect the memory of them together. She would protect. She would fight!

She opened herself to the bittersweet flow of power from the void of her heart, letting it take over her sanity. Bliss. Euphoria. She wouldn't care if she'll die from the urge to draw the power more than she could handle. She wouldn't care, so long the demons won't be harming those children. She will protect them!

She blinked, and there she stands in between the children and those demons, with her facing them. She held out a hand, a little yellow butterfly was at the brink of death, cringed wings as the result of her curse; the wretched cold.

 _Poor you, little butterfly._

It must have been expecting the best of its brief life for the arrived summer.

 _And I killed it. I killed them._

A gentle gust blew, taking the poor butterfly along. Only then she noticed that it wasn't summer anymore. The lush green grass and the flowers had been overtaken by the cursed white snow. Her curse.

 _Just like before…_

A vicious gnarl brought her back to reality. The demons are in front of her, true, but what would she do? She was afraid. She had summoned all her courage to fight, but yet she was afraid; terrified to the very inch of herself. The last time she opened herself to the power, she brought treacherous snowstorm that seemed never to subside, and finally when it does, she found herself in the ice cave where she hides so long she remembers. The demons screeched and began to advance towards her. She was afraid, but she would fight!

Like what she did once before a long time ago, she brought up her palms to her front and suddenly the rings of light appeared. It was painful the first time she did it, but now, she couldn't feel anything. Her whole body had become numb by the surge of energy. She was one with the light, and she will protect them even if it does cost her life…


	2. A Child

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hopeless with metaphors and analogies. Also, I made Yukino refer to Shun and Ruriko as 'children' because although her body stopped growing, her mind didn't. Through her eyes, they are much younger than herself. I'm sorry if this does not make sense to you.

Storm.

Numbed by the coldness, she threw all of her strength to the advancing horde of demons. The rings of light glowed softly in white - heaven and earth if compared to the turmoil trashing in her middle. Her heart seemed to be tugged mercilessly, sending jolts across her chest. Her breath came in rasping rhythm. She was dying for sure, but she must win. She will not let them lay a hand on those children. Numbed, where all she could feel was the sudden gust of cold winds blowing in her direction. Her ears as if muffled by the pressure. It was a good thing though; this way she won't be hearing those snarls, she won't be afraid. Yes! She must not be afraid if she were to fight.

 _I have no time to be afraid. I can fight!_

She clamped her lips shut to suppress the dread creeping inside. She will _not_ give in to fear. Not now. Not anymore.

As if the time flowed slowly like the river in early spring, just as the demons touched her rings, a bright light emits and blinded her for a moment. She covered her eyes with her hands brought to her face. Only then she noticed that the winds had died, and her ears cleared. The turmoil halted at the same time, leaving her breathless. For a split of a second, she peeked from between her fingers and saw the same thing she had seen for what it had been so long ago. The demons are covered in ice. No. They _became_ ice! She shut her eyes almost immediately. The last time, she fainted by the sights she caused. The whole town covered in knee-thick snow. Demons stood unmoving, encased in ice. There are people too. She killed people too. What margin existed between the demons and the cursed ones?

 _Demon_ …

For another split of a second, she flies away from there.

 _I_ am _a demon_ , she sighed. _But a_ _t least they were safe._

When she opened her eyes again and finally viewed the whole valley, she clenched her palms tightly. It pained her heart to see what she had done. White snow covered all her eyes could reach. The flowers and the grasses are gone. _It's better than let it be trampled down,_ she told herself. _Maybe…_ From where she had stood before, she could hear the ice shattered. _It was all too similar to what happened before_ , she said to herself. Cursed, not even the Gods can change that fact. But the children were not harmed, at the very least.

"That girl might be the reason for this snow and defeating the Invaders" she heard one of them said. She nods to herself. The reason for this snow is her, no doubt about it. Her own curse to exist in this lifetime. But what about the demons? Why did she fight them?

"Those people hurt the Iwatsumesou flowers."

Perhaps that is the lamest reason she could ever find right then. True, if she didn't stop them, the flowers would be ruined. If it were to disappear, what else have to remind her of him, of the place where she was born? She didn't want to forget. She prayed to the Gods for her never to forget. She owned nothing but that sole memory of him; the promise she made. He is no more. There's no more need for her to wait, she knew. But her heart would ache to accept it - ached so much that she couldn't breathe, couldn't stop grieving. He never returned, so she has no more choices but to believe that he was dead, killed by the demons. Thus the demons must be fought. Her vengeance for her lost must be fulfilled. But they had not appeared ever since she was trapped inside that cave. And now, they had return to do harm again. Those who possessed the rings of light are the only one who could fight them.

"Whence is the wind's dwelling by which these flowers scatter? Tell me where and I will go there to vent my anger."

This power, she would use them to fight.

"Who are you?"

The boy asked, with the girl right beside him as they finally found where she stood. They were wearing clothes she hadn't seen before, with bright colors. All she wore was white. The kimono he had given to her as a gift long ago. Who she is? She would answer them that she is no one but one of the cursed, like she did before. But these children were one too, cursed with this power. Who she is? She is no one.

"I am myself."

Yes. She was nothing but herself. The one warmth had forgotten; the cold and lonely her. The one who doesn't even deserve a name, doesn't even deserve to exist. The one the Gods had forgotten, time had abandoned.

"Thank you. You got us out of a trouble back then" he said again, taken aback slightly by her reply.

 _Was I being rude?_

"So you're a gatekeeper too?" he added.

His short hair was very unusual to her. A little boy, maybe at the age of 17, the prime time for youth as she still remembered. How old was he when he went away? She didn't remember. The man in her past sometimes as seems as old as the mountain, whiles she a mewling babe.

"Gate? I don't understand."

It sounds so foreign to her ears. What is there a need for another name so shameful to possess?

"You know, that floating gate of light you just used before."

"That we called a gate" the girl explained in turn, her waist-length dark brown hair swayed lightly as she spoke.

Called whatever it may, the fact that it was a blasphemy will never be changed.

"Because of this power, I had been alone. Always and always alone".

Nothing good had ever happened to her because of the power. To be not considered as human, sneered disgustedly, being thrown pebbles at, if not fist-sized stones. The cursed ones had no right to live. They were feared as God's misshapen creation. And because of what she is, she lost her everything because of it too. Those she cared, and those she loved. She gained nothing but to lose everything in her price of existence.

 _All alone… for the rest of my lives._

"Pikkyuu-!"

From a distance, she saw Hisame appeared from somewhere underneath the snow and ran pass the children - startling them - to climb up her shoulders, pressing its nose lightly on her cheeks.

"That's true, Hisame. I have you."

How could she ever forget about it? She wasn't completely alone after all. Hisame had always been with her, so she wouldn't feel lonely.

"You said that you were alone, where are your parents?" the girl asked.

Her parents… How they were doing in heaven, she always had wondered. They must have been happy, not to be hated and blamed for having her as their child. She had never hoped to be born with this power. If she had known it earlier, she wouldn't want to be born at all. That way, they would never have to suffer the shame to give birth to her. They must have been happier there in heaven. Oh how she would want to join them right then, she'd sacrifice anything. Tilting up her head to gaze the blue sky, the pretty blue heavens above, would she ever reach them someday?

 _If I were a bird…_

"I wanted to become a bird. My kind, gentle thoughts of the world are betrayed."

To be a bird so she could fly up high to reach the heavens. To leave this world she didn't belong to.

"But I am not a bird, so I cannot depart"

 _If I were a bird, maybe I could…_

The vast sky sparkled in lovely blue as if tempting her.

"Where is your home? We could walk you there" the girl said again. Home?

"I have no home... because I couldn't become a bird."

 _Home…_

"But I can fly now. Here, there, over there, anywhere. And yet,"

Even if she could 'fly' right then, she couldn't go anywhere to escape.

"I can go nowhere."

She couldn't reach her parents. She couldn't go anywhere but nowhere.

 _I_ _have no wings to fly because I am not a bird. But I can fly somehow._ She sighed.

 _But_ _I have no home_.

"At any rate, we can't stay here. Those invaders would come out anytime now."

"Right, we have to find a shelter. Come with us, okay?"

They said, smiling kindly as they threaded in the thick snow, nearing her. How long has it been since she last saw anyone smiled at her? He had been smiling the day he said his goodbye before marching towards his battle. Why did he have to go and fight, while she is to stay behind and wait forever? It's not fair.

"I'll fight."

She herself was surprised those words came out from her before she could think.

"I don't want to see any more war. I will end the war myself."

She would not run anymore, she will fight. This power she had she will use them to fight, curse or no. She would not be afraid anymore.

"You'll fight, you say. But you're still a child!"

 _"You are still a child! A war is no place for a child!"_

 _A child…_

Again and again, the pain strike onto her chest returned as she felt the storm began to take speed in her stomach. She was a child, thus she couldn't do anything. She is _still_ a child… Through the distance, she could see a sakura tree. Bared, with no petals nor even leaves. Not even its bark was left. It had died a long time ago. Perhaps it was under that tree he had bid his farewell to her, she couldn't be sure. How long has it been since she lost everything? Too long.

 _And yet I am_ still _a child… A child who could not do anything…_

Her hearts as if to shatter at that moment, shatter like the thin ice over a frozen lake if she tried to walk upon. Ice cold water enveloping her as she was pulled to the bottom, to the abyss of never ending grieves. Watching helplessly as the sunlight faded from the water's surface as she sank deeper and deeper. She is cursed. Warmth was never hers to deserve.

Outside her thoughts, she could feel the wind blew as strongly as ever. Her curse, she couldn't stop it now. Her body numbed by the heartbeat as her visions blurred to white. She closed her eyes. Cold, freezing wind brushed harshly against her skin, numbed her senses again. She pictured nothing in her mind, but she worry not of where she would end up after this. Her eyes ached. Her tears froze before it could trickle. The storm in her hearts will not cease for now…


	3. The Silence

_There was no sound._

 

The girl opened her eyes and gave a disappointed sigh. She was standing in the middle of the same icy cavern again. She had not expecting she'd appear elsewhere, but a small hope inside, does. Yearning for it, yet knew how near to hopeless it is. She stroked the smooth floor as she sat and glanced at her own reflection on them. She saw the same girl she ever was again. But she had once seen a face of immense fear and loneliness. With tears streaked down her face like a river, inflaming her cheeks till it itched and flamed. Her lips bled as she chewed them in frustrations. Her eyes reddened and puffed. There she was, studying herself. Thinking how ugly can her death will be. How lonely shall it be...?

 

 _And there was no sound, only the sickening silence._

 

Oh she remembered how she howled and cried. Hearing her own voice echoing through the cavern, clawing the smooth, hard walls till her nails broke and her fist bleed. She cried for names she once knew. She called for the mother she never met to rise from the grave. She howled for her dead father to come and save her. She screamed for him to prove her wrong to believe he had died on the battlefield.

 

She begged for the heavens to end her misery right now and then.

 

And yet, none answered.

 

 _Not even the Gods..._

 

As she lay sprawled on the cursed cavern's floor, she wept. Tired of all the screaming and running across the vast space, looking for an impossible exit. She lay there. Her once beautiful long hair tangled and sprayed all over her head. Her pretty kimono was undone and loose. She lay there, and stared at her fingers. She couldn’t move it. She couldn’t get up. She wanted to lay there and wait for the Gods to finally show their mercy for her. She wept, slipping in and out of consciousness. Hunger pained her like a hole in her middle. Thirst coarsened her throat. She wanted to die...

 

 _Yet, there was no sound._

 _Only her own weeping..._

 

A blessed squeaking voice came to her senses. She opened her eyes slowly as she couldn’t believe it as yet. Her father had come in her hallucination. Wearing a smile he always wore, telling her to be strong and honest, just as he had said in his deathbed. Her mother had come too, in a body of no face. She stood there beside her dear father, just as she had hoped to be. _He_ came too. Only to repeat the same news he had told her. That he would be on his way along with the imperial army. Promised her a shared life when he came back...

 

Half in disbelieve, she saw an animal right in front of her face. It was Hisame. She had forgotten all about him with her mind all about her desperation to escape. Hisame twitched his black nose and pressed it onto her forehead. He was real, she almost laughed, had her tired state allowed her to. She strived to raise her fingers and stroke his white coat, and an unimaginable piece of strength allowed her to. Hisame felt just as she remembered him to be. Soft and warm, but most importantly, real. She wanted to cry for this tiny piece of happiness, had there was any drop of tears left from her eyes.

 

Hisame was her friend. Her only friend as she lived with this murderous power inside of her with everyone either fears or despises her. Hisame was injured when she first found him one spring. A bite mark inked with blood ruined his pure white fur. He was unfortunately slow in changing into his spring's earth brown coat, made him clearly visible to wolves and dogs. She watched the poor little creature beside a rock, curled and panting for his last breath. She dared to pick him up, but she was afraid if she would hurt him. She feared if she would kill him unintentionally. Before she knew it, she was cuddling the animal in between her cupped hands close to her breast, hurrying to her humble hut she lived alone since Father passed away.

 

She was frantic. She knew her straw slippers wouldn’t last very long if she run, but she hurried nonetheless. It was not a very long way, she thought. Just a few turns over the corner of that street and over a bridge under the large Sakura tree and she’s home. Even if the strings would snapped right then, she could always go bare. Not that she bothers a sharp pebble or two cutting her tender feet. But he would mind, he said.

 

She hated to pass through the residential area near the town, but with the frail creature tucked into her cupped palms moving even less by the moment, she was afraid if she would be taking too much time using the usual, longer path to the paddy field where she grew up. She tried her best not to meet eyes by any of the passerby’s. The last thing she needed now was one of them confronting her and warned her again for the hundredth time that she may not come near their residence, or the town for the same reason. She is not to be anywhere near of them or their property. She is a monster.

 

From way in front of her, she noticed one of the town children that were playing at the side of a sole road to the bridge point to her calling the other’s attention. The little boy started to collect pebbles and stones or sticks and threw them towards her. This happened every the time she wanted to cross this bridge. Ridiculous, she thought many times, to think that they are just there waiting for her so they would throw things at her. Don’t they have anything better to do? Was it not enough that they ignored her plead when Father got sick?

 

Oh how her heart just wanted to shout at them with those crude words they had used on her. She went on from door to door to almost every one of them in town, pleading if they have any medicine to spare. Or even to borrow a wagon so she would carry Father herself to the healer living outskirt of town. But they ignored her, either not to bother to even open the door or shooed her away with cruel eyes. It was in a dead night of a mighty snow storm that time. The wind howled more ferociously as she cried in the middle of the empty street. She couldn’t feel the cold anymore. Her aching feet and body are too distant compared to helplessness.

 

 _There was no sound, saved herself and the wind._

 

Father said to forgive them, but she didn’t want to. She hated them with all her heart. Father said maybe they couldn’t help after all. Maybe they were afraid of the storm. Maybe they worry of their family’s safety. Father was always kind. He never believed people do evil things without reasonable excuse. So she kept quiet and held his shivering hands. Frail and weak, these hands had been the same pair that raised her from birth. The same pair of hands that have worked the field under burning sun, along with that old body of his. He never complained. He never did. Even until his last breath that night, he only whispered for her to be kind to others.

 

They say she is a monster, cursed with the power to call the snow storm to destroy them. Maybe it was true, she thought, as the wind now roared, threatened to flatten everything it its path. She had hoped it will destroy the town and everyone living there, be it men, women or child. She hated them, yet she didn’t have the heart to do it. As if by her command, the storm falls to a silent breeze, and she mourned all night….

 

 _There was no sound but her own cries…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it ‘wrong’ of my depiction of the relation between Yukino and the man from her past is lovers? Can it be anything else? I choose to write the man as her love interest as there is one episode she said that Shun and Ruriko ‘reminded her of herself’ and, IDK, kinda makes me think it was love and not the brotherly one.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what an Iwatsumesou flower is. Sorry.


End file.
